The last post I made on here lead to some interesting responses…
I thought I was just free-styling some thoughts. I spoke the way I do to a couple of my friends and family who have experienced depression all the time, it’s become almost normal to me to speak so openly about it… I THOUGHT.
I didn’t realise how shocked some people would be – people close to me who I assumed knew it all. It’s hard to believe when you’re struggling with depression that you could POSSIBLY be covering it up in a convincing way. Well perhaps that’s part of the problem. Melancholics often make good actors!
Anyway, I had some amazing messages from friends that were worried. I had offers of help, advice, support from all sorts of places, so unexpected and so beautiful!
Some people thought I was foolish for being so open. You know, it’s the internet and all. When if a future employer stumbles upon this? What if people are judging? It’s personal, it’s private, you should keep it to yourself.
But I’m going to back myself on this one. It seems my honesty allowed other people to do the same. People I had no idea were going through similar things or worse opened up to me, found it consoling.
It makes me think of the quote,
“the truth will set us free”.
There’s a lot of lying going on out there. Positivism has become one of them.
It’s become way of telling people in the nicest possible way, ‘harden up’.
It’s a proof of success- how can you consider someone a failure if they claim to be perpetually happy?… “how are you?”, “GREAT!!!!!” oh wow looks like you must getting life right then. I’m feeling sad so I must be stuffing something up.
Well I recon there are a lot of people out there that have had a gut full.
We want REALITY. HONESTY…FREEDOM!
Here’s the little miracle that’s happened to me…
For years I have known that to be thankful for small things is a huge help to depression. But although I knew I had so much to be thankful for I just couldn’t FEEL it. Exhaustion has something to do with it. But aside from that… I had it all intellectually, but the heart could’t or wouldn’t connect.
Yet now, By taking a RISK and throwing myself to the wolves (well that’s what you fear when you do it) and by taking up singing and songwriting again – dragging my shaky body up on a stage late on a weeknight to share some pretty intimate stuff with strangers at an open mic, trying to be honest about depression and then most of all doing this POZIBLE campaign which I was TERRIFIED of… Something has happened…
I’m sure there ARE some wolves out there, but the overriding experience has been this outpouring of LOVE. Actual LOVE!!!!
I realised a good part of my depression had been fear. (well we all know that’s a classic depression thing)
But fear of PEOPLE. What they thought of me, what they might do to me… I’d lost my trust in a good portion of humanity.
Now I take this risk, with all these fears in my back pocket,
“I’m not good enough, PEOPLE are going to laugh, PEOPLE are going to disapprove, PEOPLE are going to think it’s pathetic”…
I did it anyway… and the REALITY was
PEOPLE have been kind, PEOPLE have been encouraging, PEOPLE have been incredibly generous, PEOPLE are GOOD!!!
I’m not going to be Naive about it, I know the things I feared will be out there… but this is where I get to practice a REAL kind of positivism.. I’m going to try and let it sink in when someone says something kind, I’m going to be thankful instead of feeling guilty for ‘taking’ when people support my campaign, I’m going to try to humbly ACCEPT peoples gifts. I’m going to ACCEPT the love they are trying to show me.
And with all of this… it’s happened- I feel it!!! I AM THANKFUL!!!
OH! And one ‘minor’ detail… since embarking on this little trip
(that’s me trying to avoid saying ‘journey’!)
I’ve also experience stress, crankiness, fed-up-ness and tiredness… BUT NOT depression!!!
SO Thankyou! To all those who have been in touch, shared your stories back with me, supported me in my campaign finically or personally. You have actually dissipated fear, and replaced it with something very good.
To anybody struggling with depression right now… from this experience… I would say… write or sing or both if you can? And try to do it without judging what pours out. (soooo hard!) There’s something about doing those two things I have found, you can TRUST the process. It is good in itself. Also, get yourself near someone who can make you laugh.
But if you’re too tired… sleep.
Oh if only I could take my own advice. haha!