Hitting walls

I’ve hit the wall. This doesn’t make sense… we had a great gig the other night and I got a lovely review,

http://skylashes.com.au/anna-cordell-live-on-29-may-2014/

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all has been going great with the music and the crazy juggle with the kids… but here I am again… at a wall. Flat. Exhausted.

This little message is coming to mind:

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People have asked me, ‘how do you do it’ with 4 kids and getting up and playing music…

confession time-

1st of all I ignore my kids too much. Any woman who seems to be ‘doing it all’ either has a lot of help from family, has their kids in childcare, so they’re not actually doing it all, they are getting someone else to mind the kids. (my option from the past when I ran a fashion business! I had a lovely nanny- I wasn’t doing it all- at all!)

OR they don’t give their kids all their attention (ME NOOOOW!)

2nd– although the music part is more work and sometimes exhausting, it also GIVES me energy back. I’d say psychological and spiritual energy.

3th– I’m an anxious restless type of person so I don’t cope well with being in a house all the time with kids (actually – not many people do!) so there’s no virtue in it, it’s just tending to a mental health need I have! hehe

4th– I don’t do it. I hit the wall all the time. I feel sick and exhausted and overwhelmed a lot of the time. I become weird and annoying after taking on too much (ask my husband!) and then my family suffers for it.(on the flip side, my kids all sing around the house now that I do and because I go out more, my husband goes out to enjoy a beer more often that he used to which is healthy!)

There are a few confessional TRUTH NUGGETS as my friend calls them… be very suspicious of those women ‘doing it all’ I say! 

I HAVE SO MUCH RESPECT for those women who can humbly live a simple life and focus on LOVE.

Right, I’ll keep this late night tired cranky writing short- I can see where it’s heading!

I’m still working out whether my music NEED is pure or not… in the meantime, I’m loving it BUT….right now… walls walls walls!!!!!

will keep you posted!  🙂

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PS. Just watched this. It’s good!!

 

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I’m Impatient, I had just enough money to half record this song… enough to get its bones down… enough to add to my upcoming @POZIBLE campaign to give everyone SOME idea of what I might sound like…

then I decided I like it! I like it’s rawness… I certainly can’t wait for my amazing band members to add their strings and beautiful melodies and tones, but I DO have to wait! probably 6 months! and meanwhile.

I decided I’ll share this music around simple and raw with nothing to hide behind, because that’s how I feel about it right now.

I’m at a point where I’m feeling a bit bare. It’s plain for everyone to see I’m really giving it a go, which is a scary step- because it means you might be taking yourself a bit seriously and that in turn means, you might be fooling yourself and kinda sorta embarrassing yourself too!!

I’m 32 now. I have this little voice sometimes whispering to me.. Aaaannnnaaaa… too laaaaate!! Mooooove ooooooooon!!

But I have another that’s a little bit, just slightly louder saying, WHY?!!! THIS is when I have written the best material, THIS is when my voice has matured through the experience of having 4 daughters, the first born when I was 22, the euphoria, the isolation, the joy, the fear, the love, the loneliness, the first real opening of my eyes.

So I’m doing it. I don’t know why, it’s scary, It’s humiliating at times, but mostly, it’s amazing and freeing and joyful!

That’s it.

I’ve been thinking about starting a blog for a while… about my experience of doing things a bit upside down, about attempting to be a musician as a woman in her 30s, about having babies while your mates travel and build careers, about feminism (humanism!) and philosophy and shared experiences.

@freyabennet

@freyabennet

It’s pretty challenging fitting it in while I’m an at home every day mum of these 4 beautiful souls… I gave up work to be with them every day, which is a blessing, thank God I’m able to! But as any musician will know, keeping up with music world these days is ahhh.. kind of FULL ON!!!! And I never want to risk prioritising unimportant (in the scheme of life!) things over my children’s needs ever again! (I MAY have worked as a designer for a few years and got a little carried away with that business! slight OCD tendencies!)

I’m trying to strike the balance… trying to take music at a slow pace… which is another thing that feels like a bit of an up-stream swim for an impatient character!

Being slow. Being patient. Leaving some gaps for life and love and spirit. It goes against everything we are fed by our culture and I have to catch myself every day and just STOP.

So here it is. Raw half recorded music for you. I hope you like it. My blog will be in the same tone because I’m not doing a lot of self editing here! I hunger for honesty in a world of image and mirage and so I’m going to try my best to keep it real!

(photography @saraenticknap, @freyabenette, recordin @fourty4studios)

@freyabennette

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